Date: 394 Passes Ago
It felt like he had been sitting there on the damp floor of the little cave all day. With Zemi talking about the same thing, all day. The same old things they talked about every day. All day. ZenToYa flicked his hand forward, a small glowing orb of light rising up leisurely towards the ceiling of the cave. He watched it pop with disinterest against the dripping upper ridge of stone.
“Aw, come on Zemi!” ZenToYa finally complained with a huffy face. “This is the third season that we’ve been going over the same old thing! Can’t you show me something new?”
“I will show you something new when you can show me that you understand the current concepts,” the Dreigiau’s voice was patient and steadfast.
The shimmery image of the white Dragon loomed just overhead, a spectral illusion that marked Zemi’s presence there within the cave. It was a vision that Zento had become quite familiar with over the long years he had spent in Apprenticeship to the Arweinydd.
It was hard to math-out just how long it had been since he and his sister sought shelter under the protection of the Dreigiau. But over that time, the boy had grown into a youth, now just on the last edge of adolescence. But not quite a man.
Long white hair hung wildly past his shoulders, held out of his face by the aptly tied blue bandanna. His eyes were sharp green-of-blue and burned with emotion, intelligence and ambition. By the standards of others, he would have been considered a tall, well-built and handsome youth. And though his spirit was open and eager, it was also restless with the desires of life and a longing for adventure.
Kudako had been his physical trainer over the many years. His instruction contained a relentless daily regimen of strict self-control and self-less dedication to the art of personal battle. Despite all the time Zento spent honing his skills, Kudako did not acknowledge him as a full-fledged warrior. In fact, Zento had still not been allowed to craft his first real weapon yet — a sign that Kudako said marked a warrior’s coming-of-age.
In the realms of magic, Zemi had been his teacher. The difference between the stoic golden-eyed warrior and the casual, laid-back Dreigiau was like night and day… and then night and day again. There could have been no two creatures on the earth that had more opposite approach when it came to teaching.
But both of them are just as irritatingly SLOW!
“Man, Zemi…” Zento grumbled, head craning back to give the Dragon a better look at his disapproving frown. “You’re cramping my style!”
“And what style is that?” Zemi replied with an annoying calmness.
“You know… MY style!” the youth spread his hands as if the statement explained everything.
“Ah, that style. Of course.”
Zento released another little globe of floating light, this time up towards the Dreigiau’s nose. It rippled, then become absorbed into the luminous Dragon-image as the two energies met.
“Come on Zemi, I’m ready for this,” the boy continued to argue.
“I will be the judge of that, ZenToYa,” the Arweinydd replied.
The youth sighed, running his fingers through his hair with a sulky pout. Then he got to his feet, stretching both arms over his head.
“You’re just as bad as Kudako, you know. He won’t let me have my own weapon. You won’t teach me nothing new,” Zento grumbled. “And all this time you keep telling me that you’re training me to go out and be some great leader of this place you want to create. How am I supposed to do that if you never even give me a chance to get out there?”
There was a moment of silence before the Dreigiau spoke again. His tone was more serious than it usually was, “It is because you are chosen for this leadership that you must learn to be patient. Everything has its own time to shine — even you. And that time has not come yet.”
“Why not?” Zento bickered, beginning to pace back and forth under the Dragon’s nose. “I’ve been training and training and training every day, Zemi. What do I have to do to prove to you that I’m ready to go out there and do this?!”
A low chuckle filled the cave. “You will prove it to me the day that you stop making arguments like this.”
Zento made a disgusted sound in the back of his throat.
“You will never come to an understanding about this lesson if you cannot keep your mind on the here and now and leave the future to itself. Things take time to happen, Zento,” Zemi explained further.
“Yeah well, at this rate, I’ll be dead and gone before you teach me anything new!” the youth’s hands spread in a display of great, painful drama.
“Zento…” the Dreigiau murmured, good-naturedly.
“It’s true!” Zento lamented. “Unless you’re planning on making me one of your Dragons someday.”
Zemi rolled his eyes with a deep sigh, “We’ve been over this before. The answer is still no.”
“Why not?” his tone grew whiny. He stopped pacing to level his gaze directly at the Dreigiau. “If I’m supposed to be your great Champion, then why don’t I get a cool Dragon form?”
“Because.”
“You let Kudako have one!”
“Kudako is a different story,” Zemi informed him.
“Why not me, then? Man… it would be sooo awesome! I could fly around all day and if anyone got in my way, I’d just step on them!” Zento mimed stomping as he crushed a tiny, invisible annoyance under the flat of his foot.
“Zento…” the Dreigiau groaned.
“I know… I know… flaming them is far cooler,” the youth made claw motions with his hands.
“And you wonder why you aren’t on the list of possible Dragons-to-be?” Zemi arched an eyebrow, lowering his nose and nudging Zento in the shoulder affectionately.
“Maan…” Zento grumbled again. This time, a little less genuine. It was never easy to stay mad at Zemi for very long.
Even if he is SLOW!
Zento lifted one hand, touching the curve of the Dreigiau’s slender nose in a friendly way. Zemi’s strange-yet-familiar energy met his touch, a warm-and-cool tingling filling his whole body with a sense of vitality and wonder.
As much as Zento was apt to complain about things, somewhere deep down, he knew that he was lucky. Overall, he had lived a fairly happy time there… with Kudako and SaRa and Zemi. There weren’t many people out there that could say they had an Arweinydd as a guardian.
But if I’m so happy here… why do I feel like I’m all cramped up?
“It’s natural for an Earthian your age,” Zemi replied. “Or so I have been told. I knew that you would eventually grow to have a wandering heart.”
Zento peered up at the Dreigiau with a slightly regretful face, “That doesn’t mean I want to leave you… or that I don’t appreciate what you’ve given me, Zemi.”
“I know,” the answer was gentle in reply. “And I know it is hard to sit by when others seem to be making the rules for you. But I promise there is a reason for these things. And that one day, you will find yourself out there in the world… and perhaps then, you will look back on these times and miss them.”
“You’re starting to sound like an Old Fossil, Zemi,” Zento laughed chidingly, his eyes shimmering in good-humored mirth. He made a few mock punches at the Dreigiau’s nose, a playful bantering that was met with a few snorts and the flip of the tail.
“Leave it to kids never to take good advice,” Zemi shook out his mane with a playful snap of his jaws.
“Alright… alright… I get what you’re saying,” the youth sighed, resigned for now. “But I still think you should make me a Dragon.”
“And why’s that?”
“Because it would be sooo awesome to fly,” Zento replied with a big grin, rocking back and forth on his heels.
“I thought you have gotten to be pretty good at flying Dragon-back? At least, that’s what Brunswik was telling me.”
“I’m not talking about flying on a Dragon,” he made a motion with his hand, like waves rolling up and down. “I’m talking about flying with my own wings. You know, like the birds do.”
“I see, so you want wings?” Zemi asked.
Zento glanced up with a sheepish look, “Sounds pretty stupid to you, I guess.”
The Dreigiau spread his own wings, displaying them with a slight flutter. “Oh? And why would that sound stupid? I have wings.”
“I guess that’s true,” he nodded slowly. “It was just something silly, though. Something I used to dream about as a kid, you know. I’d watch the birds flying and say to myself that one day I wanted to fly like that. Birds always seemed so free.”
“They do, don’t they?”
“Well, I suppose that riding Dragon-back is about as close to it as I’m ever going to come,” Zento shrugged.
“Don’t be so certain about that,” the Dreigiau replied in a mysterious tone.
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
Before the Arweinydd had the chance to answer, a call rang out across the cave. Zento turned his head and was greeted by the sight of his sister, SaRa.
She, too, had grown up quite a bit over time, now maturing into a flowering young woman. In every way that Zento was wild, SaRa was refined. Though the two had very little in the way of material items of their own, she somehow always seemed to keep herself neatly.
SaRa’s dress was simple yet attractive in a pastoral sensibility. Her hair was tied back in a flowing set of beaded braids, tucked neatly up under a simple sun-hat. One hand was clamped firmly upon Kudako’s forearm as she led the way into the mouth of the cave. The Dragon followed silently, a downturn frown on his face. He had obviously been goaded into the carrying of food-stuffs for her on their weekly trip to the nearby village, for his other arm was wrapped firmly around a set of packages from the tiny corner market.
“Zento!” SaRa beamed him a warm smile. “It looks like the aeronen have come back into season again!”
The youth perked up, completely forgetting the final question that had been on his mind. Pulling up the edge of his bandanna in order to clear the hair out of his eyes, Zento quickly went to meet the two of them, pulling some of the packages out of Kudako’s hands.
“The only time you offer help is when there is food,” Kudako stated drolly.
Zento grinned brightly, fishing through the packages for the most prized cold-fruit. Discovering one, he pulled it out triumphantly and waved it in the Dragon’s face. “Come on, ‘Dako. Even you have to say you like the aeronen!”
“There is a pleasantness about them,” the Dragon admitted with the slightest hint of a nod.
“Why can’t you ever just say, ‘Yes, I like them’?” the youth huffed.
“Don’t pick at ‘Dako just because he has a more elegant way of speaking that you do,” SaRa chided her brother, waggling one finger good-naturedly.
“Elegant? Give me a break,” Zento grimaced.
“So what is the new from the outside,” Zemi interjected, glancing over at Kudako.
“The normal fare, Lord Zemi,” the Dragon replied grimly. “Petty squabbling over watering holes… Gathering rights… shortage of food in the northlands… There seems to be one particularly aggressive clan out there by the name of Kai that is pushing its weight around.”
“Is that so?” the Dreigiau murmur.
“Yes, My Lord.”
“Is it anything that might be serious?”
“Hard to say at this early on in the situation,” Kudako answered.
Zemi was quiet for a while before he spoke again. “Kudako, how about going in there and gathering what information you can on this Kai family.”
“As you wish, My Lord,” the Dragon nodded with a slight bow.
“And take Zento with you when you do,” the Dreigiau added.
Zento perked up, almost dropping his fruit at hearing Zemi’s words. Excitement raced through his entire body, his face lighting up in surprise, “Seriously? I can go?”
Kudako, however, gave a dubious look over at the youth, “Do you think that it is a very good idea, Lord Zemi?”
“As a matter of fact,” the Arweinydd grinned, a Dragon’s grin, “I think it’s a great idea. Consider it a step up in Zento’s hands-on training if you must. It’s about time we see what he can do out in the field.”
“Yes!” Zento pumped his fist, giving a wide, toothy grin.
“Mind you, however,” Zemi warned him with a fan of his wings, “You’re under Kudako’s orders. I better not hear about any horseplay out there.”
“Thank you, Zemi! I won’t let you down!” Zento bowed low before the Dreigiau before scuttling off to get his traveling gear together.
Watching the youth dash away, Zemi murmured in a low, amused tone, “I know you won’t, ZenToYa.”
Wow! It sounds like Zento is excited, it is he.
So, I’ll be taking a look at this and doing some proofreading. Now, I’m not an English professor or anything, and I’ve got a more lasseiz faire approach to grammer myself, so don’t expect me to go absolutely monkey-after-banana crazy with the proofreading. Instead I’ll just say what makes it feel awkward to me and what I think might help. Of course, everything is entirely up to the author. Here we go!
First Para, second sentence: I’m not sure the comma is needed. Correct me if wrong (Really, please, because then I’ve been going about this all wrong), but I understand commas as giving a light pause. Not like a period, but still there. “With Zemi talking about the same thing, all day”. It works both ways, but is optional. I think that you are stressing the length of time by repeats and that is good, but I’m just raising a point. Sometimes I will italicize something for effect, in this case the “all”. Just me talking.
Actually, the progression from “all day” to “, all day” to “. All day.” really works. Ignore my first complaint. (I could delete it, but I’m going semi stream of consciousness for this, just in case.)
First para: “He watched it pop with disinterest against the dripping upper ridge of stone.” Is the bubble popping with disinterest (unlikely) or is Zento simply disinterested in the popping? Really nitpicky and probably pointless… and quite possibly a grammatical misunderstanding on my part, but it came to mind.
Second Para: Yay! Italics! (Sorry, couldn’t help myself.)
Fourth para: “Apprenticeship” is capitalized. Is that intentional? Sometimes I capitalize things that are prominent in a sentence by mistake. Also, I’m re-jumping into the story here so I don’t know if there are earlier examples of the word being capitalized.
Sixth para: “By the standards of others, he would have been considered a tall, well-built and handsome youth.” I don’t know quite what bothers me with the sentence. It may be the first comma or it may be the ‘and’ which technically works but I’m not sure it is necessary. Probably nothing though.
Seventh para: “and self-less dedication to the art” no need for the dash, it is “selfless” according to Google. I suspect the dash may be there because of the dash before it for “self-control”.
Eighth para: “The difference between the stoic golden-eyed warrior and the casual, laid-back Dreigiau” should there be a comma after “stoic?” There is one after “casual,” and both are serving as part of a description.
Para I-don’t-know: “You won’t teach me nothing new,”” This is dialogue, so maybe this was intentional, but the double negative technically means Zemi will teach him something new. Just pointing it out, as I know plenty of people who talk like that. I personally just love double negatives.
I’ve given up with the paragraphs: “His tone was more serious than it usually was, “It is because you are chosen for this leadership that you must learn to be patient.” Mainly the “was, “It is” part. Should that comma be a period? Or the “It” lower case? I don’t know what convention is but I’m pointing it out.
““I know,” the answer was gentle in reply. “And I know it is hard to sit by when others seem to be making the rules for you.” “the answer was gentle in reply.” Seems a bit repetitive as “answer” and “reply” are the same.
“Before the Arweinydd had the chance to answer, a call rang out across the cave. Zento turned his head and was greeted by the sight of his sister, SaRa.” The first comma. I suspect it could stay or go equally. The lack of a pause would make it faster, like an interruption. The pause makes it… well… grammatically correct. Just a thought.
“In every way that Zento was wild, SaRa was refined.” I think that comma could be made into a semi-colon, but it works this way. Apparently this is an example of one of the many and annoying uses for a semi-colon: “Those who write clearly have readers; those who write obscurely have commentators.” The dichotomy of Zento was wild; SaRa was refined, seems to fit.
““So what is the new from the outside,” Zemi interjected, glancing over at Kudako.” I think you meant “what is the ‘news’” from the outside. Or maybe (but less likely) “what is new in the outside” or somesuchthing.
That seems to be it for now. So much for me not writing a mini-essay. Typical of me.
I do have a rather unrelated question though. How do you work with tenses? I notice mostly past tense here, but how strict are you usually with it? I have a tendency to semi-consciously switch between past and present while writing and I have to go back and meticulously edit the words to be one or the other. This probably belongs elsewhere though.
>>He watched it pop with disinterest against the dripping upper ridge of stone.” Is the bubble popping with disinterest (unlikely) or is Zento simply disinterested in the popping?
Hahaha.. nice catch. Misplaced modifier. Thanks.
>>“Apprenticeship” is capitalized. Is that intentional?
In past drafts, Dragon Apprentice has been capitalized, so this would follow that. However, I believe I’ve been editing it out. I’ll have to go back and check. Thanks for the consistency note here.
>>Sixth para: “By the standards of others, he would have been considered a tall, well-built and handsome youth.” I don’t know quite what bothers me with the sentence.
You’re right. That’s awkward. On my to-fix list.
>>Seventh para: “and self-less dedication to the art” no need for the dash, it is “selfless” according to Google. I suspect the dash may be there because of the dash before it for “self-control”.
Got it. Thanks!
>>Para I-don’t-know: “You won’t teach me nothing new,”” This is dialogue, so maybe this was intentional, but the double negative technically means Zemi will teach him something new. Just pointing it out, as I know plenty of people who talk like that. I personally just love double negatives.
Double negative intentional as a pattern of speech (and a bit of irony). Especially when spoken by the “perfect” ZenToYa. ^_~
>>I’ve given up with the paragraphs: “His tone was more serious than it usually was, “It is because you are chosen for this leadership that you must learn to be patient.” Mainly the “was, “It is” part. Should that comma be a period? Or the “It” lower case? I don’t know what convention is but I’m pointing it out.
Yeah. That’s all weird and awkward. I’ll work with this section.
>>““I know,” the answer was gentle in reply. “And I know it is hard to sit by when others seem to be making the rules for you.” “the answer was gentle in reply.” Seems a bit repetitive as “answer” and “reply” are the same.
Yuk. Thanks.
>>“Before the Arweinydd had the chance to answer, a call rang out across the cave. Zento turned his head and was greeted by the sight of his sister, SaRa.” The first comma. I suspect it could stay or go equally. The lack of a pause would make it faster, like an interruption. The pause makes it… well… grammatically correct. Just a thought.
Better yet, I could just flip it: “A call rang out across the cave before the Arweinydd had a chance to answer.” Done deal.
>>“In every way that Zento was wild, SaRa was refined.” I think that comma could be made into a semi-colon, but it works this way.
Semi-colons scare me. I never use them. You may be right about it, but I’ll do everything I can to avoid putting one in my writing. *laughs*
>>““So what is the new from the outside,” Zemi interjected, glancing over at Kudako.” I think you meant “what is the ‘news’” from the outside.
*News
Yep. Thanks!
>>I do have a rather unrelated question though. How do you work with tenses? I notice mostly past tense here, but how strict are you usually with it? I have a tendency to semi-consciously switch between past and present while writing and I have to go back and meticulously edit the words to be one or the other. This probably belongs elsewhere though.
I stay in past tense as much as I can. If I find myself switching, I’ll go back and change it all to past tense. However, as I’ve gone through editing the past two books, I notice I use way too much “has” and “had” past perfect tenses. I’ve been slicing and dicing all the “has -verb” and “had -verb” out of my writing fiercely. I don’t know if that’s going to be as much an issue in newer books, but in the first two books, it’s run rampant.